The Ethical Problem With “Are We Dating the Same Guy”
Facebook groups like Are We Dating the Same Guy now exist in dozens of cities. Their stated purpose is straightforward: women post photos or names of men they’re dating to see if anyone else has dated them, whether they’re married, dishonest, or unsafe.
On the surface, the intention makes sense.
Many women are trying to protect themselves in a dating culture that often feels opaque, unsafe, and emotionally risky.
But the ethical concerns beneath these groups are far more complex—and far more troubling—than they first appear.
I’m Dr. Carli Blau, licensed Sex therapist, Psychotherapist and I have over a decade of experience in private practice working with individuals and couples in New York and New Jersey. I cannot tell you how many people have come to my office to talk about the men they’re dating and their interactions with Are We Dating The Same Guy?
I can’t help but wonder if their use of this FB group is Safety or Surveillance?
There is a critical distinction between warning systems and public surveillance.
These groups are not limited to reporting violence, abuse, or criminal behavior.
In practice, posts often include:
Screenshots of private conversations
Speculation about a man’s character or intentions
Judgments about dating behavior, sexual choices, or emotional availability
Unverified claims with no opportunity for response
What begins as harm prevention can quietly become crowdsourced monitoring of private individuals—most of whom have not consented, and many of whom have done nothing illegal or abusive.
From an ethical standpoint, intent does not erase impact.
The Consent Problem No One Wants to Talk About
The men being discussed in these groups:
Have not consented to being posted
Do not know they are being discussed
Cannot correct misinformation
Cannot defend themselves
Cannot opt out
In clinical and ethical frameworks, this raises serious concerns about:
Privacy violations
Power imbalance
Reputational harm
Due process
If the roles were reversed, this would be immediately obvious.
The Gender Flip Test
A useful ethical question is simple:
Would women tolerate a men-led platform where men publicly posted women’s names, photos, dating histories, sexual behavior, or perceived “red flags”?
A website titled “Are We Dating the Same Woman?”—where men compared notes, speculated about honesty, or warned each other about women’s emotional patterns—would be widely (and rightly) condemned as misogynistic, unsafe, and abusive.
I know this may be triggering to read but there is truth in the notion that women can be just as cruel, manipulative and abusive as men can be, just in different ways.
The discomfort here matters.
Ethical standards cannot depend on who holds the power in a given moment.
Privacy, consent, and dignity must apply across genders—or they apply to no one.
When Protection Turns Into Policing
Many women join these groups after experiences of betrayal, gaslighting, or emotional harm. That context deserves empathy without question - But fear can quietly reshape behavior.
When dating becomes governed by surveillance rather than discernment:
Curiosity turns into suspicion
Boundaries turn into control
Self-trust is outsourced to group opinion
Instead of asking, “How do I feel with this person?”
The question becomes, “What does the group say?”
That shift erodes intuition rather than strengthening it.
Group input can be helpful. Community can protect us. Shared experiences can offer clarity.
But when collective opinion replaces personal discernment, something important gets lost.
That’s where groupthink becomes dangerous.
This is also where people stop counting on their own intuition, feeling and gut and make decisions on what others say/think.
The Risk of Normalizing Public Shaming
Another ethical concern is normalization.
When large communities regularly post identifiable people for scrutiny, it subtly reinforces the idea that:
It’s acceptable to investigate private individuals without cause
Rumor can substitute for fact
Emotional harm is justified if framed as “protection”
This creates a culture where being imperfect, emotionally unavailable, or dating multiple people—while not abusive—can still result in public judgment.
Not every bad date is a danger.
Not every dishonest moment warrants collective exposure.
Not every man (woman or human) dating multiple people are being unfaithful,
And not every uncomfortable experience equals harm.
What This Says About Modern Dating
The popularity of these groups reflects something real:
Dating apps lack transparency
Commitment norms are unclear
People feel disposable
Trust feels risky
But solving a broken system by outsourcing vigilance to crowds comes with consequences.
It teaches people to:
Look outward instead of inward
Seek certainty where none exists
Replace communication with investigation
Forget relational connection and replace it with checked boxes
That may feel protective in the short term—but it undermines relational health long-term.
A More Ethical Question to Ask
The real issue isn’t whether women should protect themselves.
Of course they should.
The question is:
How do we balance safety with ethics, protection with privacy, and empowerment with accountability?
Because when protection relies on public exposure without consent, we don’t just risk harming men—we risk normalizing practices we would never accept if they were used against us.
Dr. Blau’s Final Thought
Fear-driven systems rarely lead to intimacy, trust, or healing.
They lead to control, or even perceived control.
And any system that depends on surveillance, secrecy, and public judgment—no matter how well-intentioned—deserves ethical scrutiny.
Not because women are wrong to want safety.
But because safety that erodes dignity ultimately makes everyone less safe, when ironically all the women in the group are in it because they’re looking for safe intimacy.
If you’re impacted by the dating world and struggling to feel safe, we at Dr. Carli Blau and Boutique Psychotherapy understand.
To make an appointment call 917-227-0573
You can also email info@boutiquepsychotherapy.com
