Do we need sex therapy? One Partner wants more sex than the other.
It’s one of the most common issues couples bring into sex therapy: one partner wants sex more often than the other. This difference in desire—often called mismatched libido—can leave both partners feeling frustrated, rejected, or even ashamed. The good news? With the right support, couples can move past the conflict and build a sex life that feels satisfying for both.
Why Do Desire Differences Happen?
Every couple experiences ebbs and flows in sexual desire. I always say that we become different versions of ourselves every 5 years, and these changes also impact our sex lives. Factors like stress, medical issues, hormonal shifts, parenting demands, or simply different body rhythms can affect how often someone feels “in the mood.” When partners fall out of sync, it doesn’t mean the relationship is broken—it means there’s an opportunity to better understand each other’s needs.
What is The Impact of Mismatched Desire?
When desire differences go unaddressed, couples may feel stuck in a cycle of:
One partner feeling pressured or guilty for saying “no.”
The other partner feeling unwanted, rejected, or resentful.
Both partners avoiding intimacy altogether to escape tension.
Both partners resenting the type of sex they end up having. One person tends to give in to having sex they’re disconnected from, whereas the other person feels that their partner doesn’t truly want them.
Left unresolved, mismatched desire can strain communication, weaken emotional closeness, and chip away at the fun, spontaneous side of intimacy.
How Does Sex Therapy Help?
Sex therapy offers a safe, non-judgmental space to talk about desire openly. A trained sex therapist helps couples:
Identify root causes – from stress to past experiences to physical health factors.
Improve communication – so partners can talk about needs without shame or blame.
Explore new forms of intimacy – expanding the definition of sex beyond “yes or no.”
Find creative compromises – where both partners feel satisfied, respected, and understood.
Therapy isn’t about forcing one partner to change—it’s about helping both feel empowered and connected.
Dr. Carli Blau is a Sex Therapist with a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality, a Master of Education in Sex Education and is a published researcher in the topics of Sexual Stress and Sexual Esteem. Dr. Blau works as a sex therapist in New York, New Jersey and Florida virtually and in person. She leads a team of clinicians who are capable of providing similar levels of support and expertise as she does.
Tools You’ll Learn in Therapy
Couples often discover strategies such as:
Scheduling intimacy without making it feel like a chore.
Using desire mapping to understand personal arousal triggers.
Practicing non-sexual affection to build closeness and reduce pressure.
Reframing sex as a shared experience rather than a performance or obligation.
These tools not only improve your sex life but also strengthen emotional intimacy across the relationship.
Having different levels of sexual desire is normal—it doesn’t mean you’re incompatible and it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It does matter who you choose as a therapist to get you through this slump. Finding a therapist who is direct and specifically trained in sex therapy is imperative to your success. With sex therapy, couples learn how to bridge the gap, break free from resentment, and create a sex life that feels good for both partners.
