Parental Exhaustion: is it defeating your marriage?
Parenthood is often described as the most rewarding role we’ll ever take on. But what’s less talked about is how draining it can be—especially in the early years when children require constant attention, from birth through about age six. During this stage, kids are at their most needy, dependent, and relentless, which often leaves parents running on fumes.
And here’s the truth: parental exhaustion doesn’t just affect you individually—it deeply impacts your marriage.
Most people don’t realize that they begin to become different versions of themselves the moment they get married, and then become another version of themselves when they have a child. I like to tell clients that one version of us dies every 5 years and another one is born. The thing about this, is that we don’t always know a new version of ourselves, and we’re getting used to being new role, while also having to manage being in the SAME relationship as we were before.
This week in the Huffington Post, there was an article about a husband who got slammed online for not being willing to help his wife due to being too tired. The husband apparently refused to help his wife, who worked from home while watching two young kids, after he came home from work — tired, too. The interesting thing that this article doesn’t explore is WHY they are both exhausted, and HOW they are both working full time jobs to support their FAMILY. Everyone online is so ready to attack, judge and criticize, but what do we know about what goes on behind their closed doors anyway?
As a therapist, I can tell you - you never know what is really going on in someone’s home. I’m not saying it’s right for a husband who came home from work to not help his working wife. But what I can tell you is that something I’d suggest to the couple is giving each others a heads up about what help is needed ahead of time so they can show up for each other. I find most people in my office simply need time to plan the help needed into their day, instead of having it thrown on their agenda like their boss does at work.
This is where…
Marriage Starts to Feel Like Another Job.
Couples often come to me describing the same cycle: they’re tired, overstimulated, and overwhelmed. By the end of the day, they have nothing left to give. What used to feel like a safe place—connection with a partner—suddenly feels like another responsibility, another job.
Instead of leaning on each other for support, partners begin to drift apart. The relationship stops being a source of comfort and starts to feel like one more demand. This is when couples often start to question: Do I even want to be in this anymore?
The answer, most of the time, isn’t that you’ve fallen out of love. It’s that you’re burned out and the one you love isn’t helping you rekindle the energy you need to stay in love.
Why Exhaustion Creates Doubt and Misery
When we’re sleep-deprived, overstretched, and constantly giving to our children, it’s natural to feel disconnected from our partners. Exhaustion makes us short-tempered. It magnifies every small annoyance. It erodes patience, playfulness, and sexual desire.
The result? Couples start doubting each other, questioning their desire to stay together, or resenting the very partnership they worked so hard to build. And yet, this is not a sign your marriage is broken. It’s a sign that you’re both human—and you’re in one of the hardest seasons of parenting.
Why This Season Is So Challenging
The early years (birth to about six years old) are uniquely difficult. Children in this phase need constant care—feeding, soothing, supervising, teaching. Parents are pulled in every direction, with little time for themselves or each other.
It’s completely normal during this season to feel like your marriage is taking a back seat. You’re not alone in this experience. In fact, many couples report the lowest marital satisfaction during these exact years—and many rediscover connection once their children become more independent.
What You Can Do
While exhaustion and disconnection are normal, that doesn’t mean you’re powerless. Small, intentional steps can make a difference:
Acknowledge it together. Simply naming the exhaustion can help couples feel less alone and less resentful. Acknowledge that you are BOTH exhausted for different reasons and that you didn’t see this coming. When you stop fighting each other and start fighting the fight together, things begin to shift.
Lower the bar. Connection doesn’t have to mean date nights or vacations. It can be 10 minutes of uninterrupted conversation before bed.
Ask for help in ADVANCE. Often times couples need help from one other to keep the family functioning. This help is asked for in the moment it is needed, not in advance. NO one likes something to be thrown at them in the moment. They want time to prepare, fit it into their schedule and be ready to show up for who needs help. This applies to relationships too.
Prioritize self-care. Rest, movement, and asking for help are not luxuries—they’re survival tools. I used to feel immense guilt for going for a massage at the local foot massage place, or leaving my kids with my mom to take a nap. You wouldn’t expect your TV remote to work on no batteries, now would you? So why should you expect that you can run on no batteries either.
Reframe your partnership. Instead of seeing each other as another demand, remind yourselves you’re on the same team, fighting the same battle.
Couples Therapy. People think that if you’re in couples therapy the relationship must be broken. People think that by the time you go to therapy it may not be fixable. Statistics show that most couples wait 5 years from the beginning of a problem to when they seek help. That’s insane. 5 years of anxiety, resentment, sadness and disconnect and then you’re supposed to fix it? Well, yes, with a great therapist that is what we will do.
If your marriage feels like another job right now, you’re not failing. You’re parenting young children—and this season is tough for almost everyone. Exhaustion and disconnection are normal, and with awareness and support, most couples find their way back to one another.
This isn’t the end of your relationship story—it’s just a challenging chapter. And the good news is, chapters change.
