The Three Kinds of Sex: The Quickie, Making Love, and Fucking — and Why We Want Them All
Why do we crave different kinds of sex?
As a sex therapist, I often tell my clients that not all sex means the same thing. Sometimes we want to connect, sometimes we want to escape, and sometimes we just want release.
Understanding why we crave different kinds of sex can transform how we experience desire and intimacy — both with a partner and within ourselves.
There are three main kinds of sex most couples experience:
The transactional quickie
Making love
Fucking
Each fulfills a different psychological and physical need. Let’s explore what they mean and why we want them.
1. The Transactional Quickie
Definition: Quickies are fast, functional, and sometimes spontaneous — sex that’s more about release than romance. It’s the “before work” moment or the “we only have five minutes” type of intimacy. It might not feel emotional, but it serves a powerful purpose.
Why we want it:
Stress relief: Sex is a natural mood stabilizer and releases dopamine and endorphins.
Physical reconnection: Even quick touch can rebuild closeness in relationships.
Validation: Feeling wanted — even briefly — can reignite self-esteem and attraction.
As a sex therapist, I remind clients: quickies aren’t “lesser” sex. They’re one of the ways our body self-regulates and maintains sexual connection even during busy or disconnected periods. However, these transactional quickies can quite literally quickly become a problem in a relationship when they’re the only type of sex you’re having.
2. Making Love
Definition: “Making love” is about presence, tenderness, and emotional intimacy. It’s slower, more intentional, and prioritizes connection over orgasm. This is sex that deepens bonds and reinforces emotional safety.
Why we want it:
Emotional connection: It’s how partners communicate love through touch.
Attachment and security: The oxytocin released builds long-term trust.
Mindfulness: It brings awareness and presence back into the body.
In my sessions as a sex therapist in New York, New Jersey and Florida, couples often rediscover that making love isn’t just about passion — it’s about remembering each other’s emotional language.
3. Fucking
Definition: Raw, uninhibited, and primal — this is sex that’s about intensity, surrender, and pure desire. It’s loud, physical, and free of pretense. It’s about letting go of the “shoulds” and stepping into erotic honesty.
Why we want it:
Power play: The dance between dominance and surrender is deeply erotic.
Freedom: It allows expression of our most authentic, unfiltered desires.
Embodiment: This kind of sex brings you back into your body — unapologetically.
“Fucking” can sound aggressive, but it’s actually one of the most emotionally liberating forms of connection. It’s where fantasy meets truth. When people fuck they describe their actions to be primal, core-based from the most raw places of their kinky sexual desires. This doesn’t mean that fucking needs to incorporate “kink”, but it does mean that people who are engaging in this type of sex feel unadulterated raw vulnerable passion.
Why You Need All Three
Every type of sex meets a different need:
Quickies help regulate the body and maintain connection.
Making love builds emotional closeness and trust.
Fucking unleashes raw authenticity and passion.
Healthy sexuality includes all three. When couples (or individuals) give themselves permission to experience the full range of sexual expression, they not only enhance physical satisfaction — they deepen emotional intimacy and self-understanding.
How Sex Therapy Can Help
If you’re struggling with mismatched desire, emotional disconnection, or just feeling “off” sexually, working with a sex therapist near you can help you:
Identify your core sexual needs
Understand your attachment patterns
Reignite pleasure and connection in your relationship
At Carli Blau Therapy, I help women, men and couples rebuild intimacy and confidence in their bodies through direct, compassionate, and goal-oriented therapy. Whether you’re craving passion, presence, or permission to explore, sex therapy can help you get there. We talk about the sex you want to have, why you want it and how you are going to achieve it through working togethter in my office. You’d be surprised by how many people crave a certain type of sex, but have never told their partner about their desires.
About Dr. Carli Blau
Dr. Carli Blau, LCSW, Ph.D., M.Ed., is a nationally recognized sex therapist and psychotherapist licensed in New York, New Jersey, and Florida. She specializes in women’s sexual health, intimacy, and relationship therapy, and pelvic pain, helping individuals reclaim their authentic sexual selves.
Learn more or schedule a consultation at CarliBlau.com.
